69. New shoes and passports

Its been over 20 years since we went on holiday. Well a 'real' holiday' that is! One where you fly somewhere, and stay for a whole week and come home, usually a lot browner than when you left and definitely with a lot less money! Since Boy left last year, I knew I had to get well enough to cope with a real holiday, not only for me, but for my poor long suffering husband, my crap mental health not only has a huge impact on my life and what I can experience, but sadly limits his as well, so I needed to not only be well enough from the cancer, but also with my existing conditions, and really push myself to do what potentially, if things go bad, could be my/our last chance at an adventure. I am not good in Airports!!!! Obviously too much like shopping malls and supermarkets, my over sensory stimulated shit I get going on, goes into over drive, big time, and its just basically 1 huge panic attack. The plane is the next hurdle, the being closed in and knowing there's no getting off if you don't like it or feel strange, is, well, I don't even want to try and explain, only imagine your worst horror movie, times it by 1000 and then live it real and up close for a few hours. So yes, the destination is everything, and the journey to get there is a living hell. but to enjoy the sweet, you have to taste all the bitter stuff, most of the time, its just not worth it. So before the next wave of medical stuff starts, (I received my letter in the post this morning about having the colonoscopy in 4 weeks,) we are trying to get me somewhere beautiful for a few days. I know its going to be scary and unpleasant for some of it, but hopefully where we have picked it is quiet, and chilled, and sunny, and I can wake up to the sound of the sea, and go to sleep hearing the same waves on a shore, miles from my shitty reality of cancer for a few days.

Its a promise to myself we can at least achieve, something with enough courage, I can be in control of doing. I also get to meet my lovely cancer friend who's husband has the same type of cancer and is at the same stage after treatment. Contacting me through this blog, she has become a huge part of my life and recovery, and a constant 'cancer phone a friend' ( be it 'type' a friend) and without her encouragement and lifting my spirits everyday for the past weeks, I know I wouldn't have even considered making this trip, but our daily banter has lifted my mental health and put me in a place which hopefully will make the bad bits just about doable, and the rest an actual pleasure. Thank you 'D' xxx you're my hero. So only a few more days to wait and we set off to enjoy a well earnt break. Recovery wise, I have felt a little better the past week, although there's still some concerning moments with getting food lodged and having to drink to wash it down, but generally I have felt ok if a little tired at times.

Taste wise, I would confidently say everything is back to normal except tea and water which still taste very funky and strange. I have managed to start having ice cubes in my drinks again which I missed, but like the water they do have a strange taste, and obviously my teeth are quite sensitive to the coldness but not so bad I can't bare it.

Most foods now are normal tasting, even pickles and vinegar stuff is becoming more and more normal, if a little stronger flavoured than before. We had curry at the weekend which I only had a very small amount and it did leave me with a sore mouth and tongue for a couple of days, so although I'm tasting everything I'm more than aware that my mouth is still very sensitive and still healing. The dryness of my face and neck has seemed to sorted itself out where the radiotherapy affected, but the skin in that area has now taken on a strange smooth almost waxy texture which is a little weird, but no permanent scarring or discolouration. Obviously I have stocked up on factor 50 sun products for this summer and will make sure my face and that side of my neck at least don't get in the sun too much. My poor nails are still bad, the nails have lifted off the nail beds almost half of the nail from the hyponychium overgrowth which seems to have happened post radiotherapy from my white blood cells trying to recover. Its a constant battle to make sure nothing is under the gap and fungal nail issues start, so I spend my days constantly cleaning my hands with a nail brush after every loo visit or touching food etc, and applying various anti fungal treatments or oils to keep the hardened nail beds as soft and germ free as possible rather than cut the nails right back which would look absolutely hideous and be a cause of more self loathing and blaming cancer for another part of me I have had to give up. But for now I am just trying to get through and enjoy as much of everyday as I can until next months 'bum Dr' experience and potentially the next war starts. It truly is the calm before the storm.