76. Back to the battleground.

This week saw me return to Addenbrookes. After the elation of not having bowel cancer last month, I now had to follow up the neck cancer treatment form Jan with another PET CT scan. The first one last year was at Norwich, right at the beginning of this journey, and almost 10 months ago. It was terrifying as I didn't know if I would be allergic to the dye etc like my uncle who reacted and actually had a stroke in the machine having the scan, and we were informed it could be a genetic allergy, that was terrifying and no way of telling if I too would have the same reaction. This year obviously apart from the sheer tediousness of the whole affair, and the journey ( on the hottest June day on record at that point) actually going back to the hospital and the same corridor I had to drag myself through for radiotherapy everyday was the most difficult part to deal with.

It was an afternoon appointment which meant it was made a bit more tricky in the fact I couldn't eat or drink anything only water, and it was extremely hot, obviously my diabetes was difficult to control under those circumstances without the added stress of a hospital visit. But I coped well and everything seemed far more relaxed and less 'Chernobyl ' than they made it out to be in Norwich. No hazmat suit and long tubes across the room to administer the radio active stuff here, just a Louise, a very practical sort of nurse with some arm coverings and silver box with a syringe inside. No weird teeth feelings like last time, in fact nothing, I lay down in the relaxer chair popped in my ear buds and before I knew it the 50 mins wait time was up and I was off the loo for a wee and bra off and in the scanner. They asked me if I was claustrophobic and I said yes I was but considering I had been bolted to the table and run through the same sort of machine 26 times, this seemed a walk in the park in comparison and instead of being terrified and counting every second, found myself laying there wondering where they got their pillows as my head was extremely comfy! Only took 12 mins approx and I was out and away home with a cold milkshake out of the cool bag in the boot of the car. Couldn't have gone more routinely if they'd tried.

Now comes the 'Scanxiety' waiting time. Sadly because of my holiday, looks like I wont find out until 22nd July the results, or maybe sooner if they add it to my health record app before then, but Louise said that's unlikely as they don't like patients to read stuff and not have access to a Dr to explain it for days and it is worse for the patient. Which although frustrating for me, I totally understand some people wouldn't be able to make head nor tail of a scan report and be on the phone demanding answers. So the next part of the process is done at least, and before my trip to Naxos. I would have been nice to be able to go with the all clear but also I know it would ruin the whole week if I get bad news before and know I am coming back to a whole world of pain and being poked and prodded about again in the name of survival! Again as I sit here I have to force myself to realise in a couple of weeks it will be a year exactly since I went to the GP, and told them about my lump. It feels like so much has happened in that time, and in some ways it feels very short space of time but in others it feels like this has been going on forever. I'm obviously hoping, praying ( if I actually believed it would help) I haven't got to have anything else done and its gone, not spread before, or after treatment, and I can have a few more wonderful months of healing and trying to adapt with life after radiotherapy. I know I'll never go back to how I was before now, I can't imagine waking up and not having a slightly sore throat, or squeaky voice, or feeling tight on that side of my neck, or the sudden stabbing pain like someone stuck a needle in the side of your mouth randomly for a spit second and then it just goes again until the next time, (could be hours could be days).

I know I will probably never be able to eat chicken breast again without it being a bit of a struggle to swallow, where its a drier meat than chicken thigh; and I know depending on how much I have drunk, and how hot the weather is, and exactly how much sleep I've had will always define how wrong and awful water or a cup of tea tastes. But even with all these things I still don't want to imagine how much worse all this and more things would have been had I agreed to the original treatment plan, and even if it hasn't worked, if the cancer is still there, if its slowly going to come back, not for one minute, not for one second do I regret the path I mapped out for myself. I hope I get the all clear this time, I hope I keep getting the all clear, and for weeks, months, yrs, people find this blog and see I'm ok, that my fight to have less and be ok was right, and I hope I save at least one person from being cured with consequences. But for now, we'll see in a few weeks if the first 6 months are looking good, and until then its more sun and places and people who will make the time I fought for worthwhile. I'm coming Deb's x