21. Dentist round 2

Well on Friday I returned to the surgical dentist at Peterborough hospital and I can only say ‘what a  disaster’. They had booked me for sedation and I got a phone call early Friday morning asking me to go in 40 mins earlier than the pre-arranged 2.40pm

Surprising even myself after the fiasco on the previous Monday with the tooth smashing fairy, I had calmed myself down and knowing I only had to have 1 tooth, and a tooth I had been promising myself to pluck up courage to go get taken out for nearly 5 years I was very chilled and resolute to be the best of patients and not even bother with being sedated as was suggested on Monday.

We got there and sat in the same waiting area as before, and the familiarity helped my nerves and when I checked my heart rate was a an impressive 83bpm

We waited for 1/2 hour so was nearly at the time my original appointment was for anyway and I was trying to keep my nerves at bay.

I had decided I didn't want to be sedated as sometimes it takes ages for it to wear off and I didn't want us to be stuck there well into the evening so I was determined to stay cool calm and collected so when they finally did call me 45 mins later, I told him I didn't need the sedation, I was calm, and it would be ok. The guy looked worried and said he'd find out if that was ok.

Straight away I thought 'Well it will have to be, I'm not having drugs I don't want to its my choice'.I sat in a room waiting and finally a man who I wasn’t quite sure if he was the dentist or the assistant came and started asking me about having more teeth out.

I explained I'd had the assessment and I was having 1 tooth that was filled and broken. He started being quite pushy about my 2 front teeth at the bottom and a heavily filled tooth on the opposite side of my mouth. I questioned this, and said no way would I agree to have my front teeth out and walk round looking like something out the Clampits for a year until I could have a bridge or false ones to replace them and why are they talking  about a tooth that's on the other side of where I'm having radiotherapy. He was still quite pushy and kept offering the clip board with the consent forms at me and pulling a sort of pained ‘oh go on’ sort of face.Paul had waited in the reception, so after I finally firmly said 'Its one tooth, at the back top, on the left, that's why I'm here, that's what I signed consent for' a he left with his clip board.

I texted Paul and said ‘They are trying to make me sign for more teeth and they were doing it after I should of been sedated, I don't like this! I need you to come find me!’ Paul came and I told him what had happened and I said 'I've lost trust in them now and I'm starting to get nervous now'. We sat there for another 25 mins, no one came back, by which time I said right I've changed my mind and walked out. I went and stood back by our car angry and frightened and nearly in tears.

Paul got back and we got in and sat there.

Why does everything have to be like this? People want to fight me, or lie to me or coerce me into doing things I have already said no thank you to? Why does this happen everywhere we go to me?

Paul just sat there looking at his lap letting me scream and said ‘I don’t think its just you Bab, I think its everyone everywhere’.

And although I probably think he’s right it didn’t make it at all easier to take.

It’s about choice. I'm not unintelligent I know what I am agreeing to and why, and trying to constantly advocate for myself. Crying now I just screamed ‘I should have just thrown the folder in the bin and come home at the very first appointment and pretend they'd said there was no cancer and just quietly die’. 

I was so tired of being afraid, having to fight everyone all the time. I honestly wished I had been the other Gwyneth Paltrow and walked out the door that said no cancer that day back in August. But no I was stuck here, in a car park, rain pouring down the windscreen, knowing I needed this f**king tooth out before everything could move on to the next step. I don't know what he'd said to them. Paul has never really lost his temper and is a firm believer that once you swear in an argument you’ve lost! Unlike me who actually doesn’t care about winning as long as I’ve thrown enough f**ks into someone to make myself feel better I couldn’t care less, I'm the screaming dramatic one.

But he told me he'd sorted it out, if I could find it to go back in, he'd be with me even in the operating theatre, it was going to be 1 tooth and they'd apologised about trying to get me to sign forms to take out more teeth. I really didn't want to go back in there. But I also wanted it over. So I went in and I laid there I didn't flinch once and after breaking the top off, the filling off,  then snapping  one of the three roots and having to cut my gum open to dig it out and stitch it all up my ONE tooth was removed. As I walked up the corridor to leave the dentist was standing in a doorway and he said goodbye, I looked him straight in the face and said 'I hope I never see you again' I hope he saw in my eyes why. But I was ready for Addenbrookes mask, so I’ll call it a win, even if I did mouth the words FUCK YOU as I walked out.