27. Last day

Well I have been trying to keep busy the past few days and take my mind off what's about to start but today its been weighing heavy on me. I feel like I already know this isn't going to be a happy ever after, whether that means I know it will just be the start of endless cancer treatments because it won't stop, or because I know the treatments are going to take away from me stuff I don't think I will be happy living without, I'm not really sure. All I know is, I feel like as of tomorrow my life will never be the same, and not for the better. :(

I know everyone has ups and downs with cancer treatment but this feels very oppressive, and I'm hoping I can find some positivity before the weeks out or I really don't think I'll see this through to the end either mentally or physically. The big thing for me is the unknown, and not knowing how sick I am going to get exactly. I'm not sure if they are bigging it up or playing it down and that bothers me.

Everyone says its challenging, and tough, but what is their life like normally? Mines pretty crap on even on a good day. I have been eating whatever I like, and tasting things for 'the last' time. That's a very real fear for me, that this all fucks up my taste and swallowing for ever. I don't think....no, I know, I wouldn't want to live like that. So if that happens, all these tastes, may very well be the last time I taste those things. That's a very weird and depressing place to be at the moment. I have put the Xmas decorations up round the house. Everything except the tree, which it's too early for and it will die, as I don't know if I'll have the energy, or the enthusiasm to do it later. I'm hoping the first week goes ok, and I don't feel anything huge at the beginning, I really don't want to be feeling ill knowing Paul is away the following week. Well my first appointment is at 16.25 tomorrow and we'll see how the first week goes.

Time to finally get on and just do it. Fingers crossed.