30. Ready for week 2

Well its Sunday, and its been so nice to not have to go for a couple of days. At first I wondered why they stopped treatment on the weekends as you could cut down the time from 6 weeks to 5 by doing weekend appointments and get it over with. But even after the first week I totally get why you need the break from it :(

The first week was epic in that my neck swelled up more or less from the first day and by day 3, I was laying in bed seriously thinking I wouldn't make it to week 2 let alone week 6.

Combined with the panicking of what's going to happen, am I going to freak out in the machine or the mask, the getting there, (someone threw themselves in front of a train on Wednesday when I had the 'don't drive in the dark so take the train day'), which turned a gentle jaunt on a supposed deserted train into a 5 hours freezing journey, surrounded by half of East Anglia running late and trying to get home.

The train home finally at gone 9pm was standing room only and filled with people who were all coughing and talking and I just was at about the top of my coping limits all the way home. I really could have cried, and getting in my lovely quiet empty car in the station car park made me realise that even driving in the dark, although quite terrifying for me, was better than risking the train again. Thursday although a teatime appointment I decided to drive home in the dark was better than potentially doing a train journey the same as the day before, at least I could stop, take my time, and have my own safe space in the car whenever I needed it. Sadly it rained, and I don't mean drizzle, I mean so hard you can't see out the windscreen even with wipers at full pelt. So it was getting dark, on unlit roads, and huge lorries and lots and lots of rain. :(

Needless to say by the time I got there I had the headache from hell before the clatter bang machine had given me another one. ( I always seem to get a headache when I have my treatment in room 4, room 3 the machine vibrates more and takes longer by 4 secs, but no headache, room 4 the mask always seems to fit easier but I always have a headache after) Friday the appointment was 10am followed by blood test. So when I got up at 7.30 to let Lottie out for a wee, I was devastated to see the grass was white and stiff. A severe frost over night ( not forecasted) and now I knew I had to leave almost immediately knowing the road was bound to have at least 1 accident holding everything up. As I rushed to get ready I remember totalling my car when I was 19 a couple of weeks before xmas on black ice, and just comforted myself with the fact if it happened this morning, at least I wouldn't have to wear that fukking mask again! I'm afraid its still very much 50/50 as to whether doing nothing and just dying would have been the more palatable option for me. I have to say through the week, I have had a variety of weirdness. But because I don't know which is anxiety, which is tiredness, and which is radiation, I've just had to suffer being on the verge of having a panic attack permanently wondering if its like this on week 1 I'm never going to get to week 6 :(

The swelling on the first day threw me, I was expecting to just be annoyed about having to drag myself to the hospital and cope with sitting in the waiting areas with lots of people (although when I'm tired that's bad enough) and of course the mental trauma, and I don't use those words lightly, of having to be locked down in the mask. But when immediately I started getting weird stuff happen, my neck swelled right up to under my ear, then it swelled lower down and was pressing on my wind pipe by Thursday making it feel like something was stuck in my throat and I was thinking how much more will this swell am I going to suffocate? Then the random tooth pain shooting through my jaw all of sudden, even on the other side to treatment, my tongue felt like it had ulcers coming on the side, the opposite side as well by the second day, and the headaches, waves of nausea, and the sticky throat like you want to keep clearing your throat, like you're eaten something that's clung to your windpipe and you need to wash it down, but no amount or type of drink will shift it, I was doubting the treatment plan was the right move for me. As I say after all this happening on week 1, I was not only happy for 2 days off, but decided to cook a huge roast pork dinner on Saturday because I really have no clue how much longer I will be able to taste food or eat now, I had been hoping for it to start week 3 or 4 but I keep thinking now it could be a lot sooner :(

I keep telling myself to 'be more Grandma' she just got on with everything, hard stubborn old bat. But I have to say, on my own this week, I've struggled.

Next week I hope it will be better as I only have me to think about and I know that's really going to help, just a shame it can't be like that til the end, at least I'd get enough sleep and no distractions or annoyances.

But week 2 is coming and I'll do it as best as I can, for as long as I can, and hopefully as everything has started early maybe it will plateau out and plod rather than hit me all of a sudden. All I know is lump is not happy... not happy AT ALL!