39. Pain stops play and no biscuit 🫤

Well yesterday saw me sitting in a corridor swearing at strangers for walking too loudly.

The pain in the back of my skull had escalated to the point light was making me feel like I was going to vomit, and every noise felt like an explosion inside my head.

I just managed the journey there with the hospital transport driver probably owning the most uncomfortable car on record, taking the most round about route, along the bumpiest roads. When I arrived I checked in at clinic where my first appointment was at 10 35. 'No dont know who you are! Go to radiotherapy!' Went to radiotherapy told them my name, 'im here at 11am but my clinic appointment is now so Im in the clinic'. Off I wobbled and took a chair.

Cut a long story short, an hour later, with every atom of my body screaming at me to just go home, I was told 'I ' hadn't checked in.

Obviously, in very curt tones through gritted teeth which had nothing to do with radiotherapy jaw ache, I corrected them, that actually 'I' had, and if I wasn't seen in the next 5 mins I was leaving.

On being called in, I basically said I wanted to stop treatment.

Dragging myself there, with the increasing side effects as well as not eating, sleeping, my fibro was screaming and I'd had enough.

We came to the begrudging compromise I would go home and have a couple of days in bed to try and gather myself and hopefully summon up enough to get through some more treatments over the next 2 weeks.

Sat home here in bed, the dog asleep next to me, on a rotation of cups of tea and yoghurt, I'm feeling slightly better.

I really don't want to do anymore, but I know I should at least try to push to 50gry.

Im on 42 atm

I've rung in and confirmed Ill be back tomorrow, they didnt know what or why I hadn't been today. Honestly I really have no words😶

So I plan to do tomorrow have New Years Day off as planned, then back for Friday and the blood test. That then gives me a full weekend to rest up until Monday. Clinic again and treatment first next week, which will mean I'll be at 48gry by the time I see the Dr next week.

Depending on how I feel, although I already know, I'm going to suggest Wednesday and Friday. Which will take me to 52gry.

I'm more than happy with that amount and it lowers my damage risk.

This has been hard, made harder by lots of factors, logistics, health conditions, emotionally, total lack of support by the hospital and just physically in the fact I'm not the sort of person who can just get up, get ready, and be out there amongst morons on a daily basis, its far too draining.

All I know is, I'm lucky I've managed what I have, there's very little left in the tank now, and next Friday when I walk back in my front door, I'm not leaving until I go to get my nails done on 28th Jan.

Next year is going to be very different,... I'm going to be very different.

And no, there are definitely NO biscuits 😒

As a post script, I know from the views of my posts I am writing this purely for my own benefit. The people who I thought were keeping their distance for my health's sake etc, well basically they aren't. They aren't even interested enough to read day to day the agony this is for me.

Even my own husband admits to having never read a single post.

Thats how important I am. Thats how much my effort, when Im facing pain endless fear and tiredness matters to anyone really.

Only to me.

So its with that in mind I will step into 2026.

From now on things are going to be very very different.

But for me, Happy New Year, you're going to have a wonderful time x The rest of you well, quite frankly, I couldn't give a damn.