41. Not recovering much now.

Well normally when I have a break between treatment I seem to improve slightly which makes going again a bit less scarey tbh, like I haven't broken myself so badly yet that I can still fix myself a little without more damage happening.

Today hasn't seen that in fact I feel worse.

I know the amount of radiation is stacking up now and obviously its not something that a few hours sleep and laying down in the quiet can counteract now. 🫩

The pain in my throat has been dull but the dryness and soreness in my mouth has been unbearable today and the mucous is starting to get bad again along with the ulcerated tongue rubbing on my teeth its just plain miserable.

Paul went out and found me some shakes because quite frankly, nothing is going down very well at all now. I want to eat, but as soon as I put anything in my mouth, its a NO straight away.

I've managed 3 today a couple of spoonfuls of pasta and couple spoons yoghurt, a hot chocolate and 3 cups of tea.

The skin on my neck is also starting to get sore, 1 place in particular is feeling like it could get moist and weepy.

Im hoping for a better day tomorrow and I think I'll have pushed myself as far as I can go with the treatments on Monday.

I was hoping to get to 50 gry. But I really dont think I want to make myself any sicker.

Maybe if I had more faith in the hospital and didn't feel like what's going to happen to me once I stop going if they've made me so sick I cant cope, but I need to feel confident I can deal with how bad Im going to be feeling without any help, because basically they aren't there for me when Im on their doorstep everyday so what chance have I got sat here dying at home?

I just want to stop hurting my body now, give the radiation chance to die down out of my body and start trying to feel normalish again.

Im not hungry but the not being able to taste is very depressing.

The salt taste really worries me that its not going to go away.

I just want a cold drink now that doesn't taste like salt. Im so tired, and so thirsty 😔

I dont know how Ive made it through this far, and Ive got just as long to go before things start improving. But at least I can just stay home and just sleep the days away undisturbed until I start to feel better.

I have a car booked for Monday, but the more I lay here thinking about everything I know, even if they won't give me my mask, I won't be doing next week.

x