45. Soon be over

Today I woke up feeling terrible. I knew now the radiation is really getting up to silly levels it would be a struggle after another 2 days worth.

My throat felt like the side where the cancer was had been scooped out with a rusty garden trowel, and the good side just felt like having the worst case of tonsillitis ever x 100.

Nothing in my meagre army of pain killers are even touching the pain now, but I keep swallowing everything on rotation just in case without, it would become apparent it is actually working, its just so bad I don't think it is 😵‍💫

I spent the morning choking up the yellow stuff that coats my throat,teeth,tongue, and stops me breathing when it sticks together blocking my airway. Which only served to make my throat ten times worse.

I managed a watered down shake about 1pm and a few sips of hot tea everytime one was put in front of me.

Shopping arrived and filled the freezers with foods I can't eat, biscuits I'd actually kill for, and various items I desperately ordered to see if I could eat anything solid.

Melon, basically solid water 🤷‍♀️ no,stings like battery acid. One cube reduced me to a heaving sobbing wreck again at the sink, quickly swooshing out my mouth with numbing mouthwash.

Through the afternoon, Paul went to the dr's and pharmacy to collect my nutrition shakes, they only had some of the 168 on order but he arrived back with more than enough to last 2-3 weeks.

Im laying in bed with Lottie, smelling and listening to him downstairs with his Sainsbury's taste the difference chicken biryani. C**t!

I had a vanilla fortisip, and even that hurt.

Bath soon, clothes, and bag. I need to take a small cross body bag tomorrow as I'll be needing a spare hand to carry my mask.

I cant believe this time tomorrow it will finally be over.

Well, hurting myself, will be over.

I can fix me then.

I've kept crying today, I think I am just mentally exhausted keeping my shit together for this long.

I know in a few weeks, I'll start to forget, start to joke about ' those few weeks I had to do radiotherapy' make light of it, minimise it, make it an amusing anecdote, basically to make it palatable for everyone else.

Like I have tried to make the whole process.

Only I lived it, only I saw the hospital waiting room, the treatment room, saw the inside of that taxi with the taste of blood in my mouth the night I nearly bled to death, the feel of those hard chairs in that room where I was 'patient 27' when someone, a lifetime ago said the word 'cancer' out loud for the first time.

Only me.

This is my victory, these are my memories, my nightmares, and out of love, kindness, fear, and above all learnt independence, I made sure, no one had to share this, really share it, blood sweat and vomit share it. Even when I wasn't alone, I cried behind closed bathroom doors, I rocked silently in the darkness at 3am in pain not wanting anyone to have to help me, pity me, see me vulnerable.

And I learnt something wonderful, not only didnt I want or need anyone to share the worst time of my life, I know now that I no longer require anyone to share the best times either.

Tomorrow is Friday, tomorrow is the last treatment, tomorrow

the mask comes off for the last time .......