53. Toast and Jam

Its been a long and tired 2 days, and this morning I actually felt scared I was going backwards.

I couldn't even attempt anything solid yesterday and the scales noticed this morning by being a whole pound less than yesterday 😕

I felt beyond exhausted, and actually quite scared I was doing serious damage to myself for the time I haven't eaten.

For a medically 'obese' person to be thinking that, it sounds quite ridiculous, but just because someone is fat, doesnt mean they aren't technically starving and suffering malnutrition😞

When I felt like I couldn't breathe and stand up and walk without wobbling, I knew I had to push past the pain and eat something today.

I drank 2 of the larger fortisip shakes by 3pm and told Paul to get me out one of the special 'field dr' cancer meals I'd brought in the freezer. I plumped for risotto.

6pm came and whilst he happily chowed down on his Sainsbury's prawn chicken and chorizo paella 🥘 I sat and stared at the carton of green goo in front of me 😕

I managed less than half a mouthful before it went in the bin!

Standing in front of the fridge, both doors open, sadly I realised there wasn't anything I wanted to try.

So I made the decision if it was going to hurt it might as well be for something I'd been missing.

I cut 2 slices of gluten free bread and stuck them in the toaster.

I think its probably been about 5 weeks since I could eat toast.

I buttered it, put homemade strawberry jam on it, cut the crusts off, had a cup of tea standing by to soften it.

It took an extremely long and painful 15 mins to slowly take tiny mouthfuls, chew, moisten, turn into sludge with a gulp of tea and then swallow, but I finally ate 2 tiny slices of buttered toast with jam 🤸‍♀️

The salty butter and the texture left me almost in tears half way through, but the fact I could taste everything, the jam , the saltiness of the butter, the dough taste of the bread kept me eating until the plates was just a pile of hard edges.

Calorie wise I'd probably been better off drinking another shake, but morale wise, those 2 slices of toast were Olympic Gold 🏅🏅🏅🏅

I know my throat is probably going to be screaming now and I'm in for a rough night, but I don't care, I have proved to myself it won't be forever.

Today is 11 days since last radiotherapy, I read tastebuds take 9-12 days to regrow, so the fact I can taste so well hopefully means theres going to be no permanent damage 😊

I know so many people who have taken weeks to get to where I am tonight, and once again, I'm putting that totally down to the stubborn arse choices I made for myself and refused anything over and above what I wanted as a treatment plan.

But for tonight as I swoosh with numbing mouthwash, at least I can remember the taste of that jam, and the pain will be sort of worthwhile. 🙂