60. Another reason to live.

Well the last few days have been a bit shit if I'm honest. Apart from losing my bank card, trying to make sure I didn't catch the cold Paul came back from Manchester with and the fact the spa break I had arranged for this weekend was a total flop, I have to say I have felt pretty tired and pissed off with life in general and not really sure why I am doing much at all.

Everything health wise seems a bit over whelming, new little things keep emerging daily and I'm not sure if its just new little things or late side effects of the radiotherapy.

The skin on my face is very dry and its numb around my mouth and down my chin, like I've been to the dentist, luckily my mouth still works and I'm not dribbling LOL

I have twinges of shooting pains in the side of my neck where the beams were aimed at and the skin has suddenly started itching again like it did half way through treatment before the surface went red and sore.

I'm sure its all just residual effects as it wears off and does the rounds in nerves and tissues.

Taste wise its still very funky, some things still has the slightly metallic /lemony taste, water tea and anything with vinegar are off the menu definitely .... but anything meat based is fine and taste perfectly well and to full strength which is a bonus. Chocolate and cheese still taste normal but I can only eat a very small amount or it seems to clog up in my throat and if I try to wash it down the drink flavour takes over the taste.

I'm eating, but in samples, its enough to stop weight loss whilst I'm still trying to get back on my feet, but obviously not enough calories to put on what I've lost ( although I definitely don't want to do that) so shakes are still a go to option when I'm tired or just can't be bothered to try and eat.

The mental side of it is far worse than the physical discomfort I get from trying to eat, and making my throat tight and sore or actually get food stuck and choke which has happened a couple of times, once with sliced roast beef and the other time with cheese. Not good!

The effort to try and work out what to try and then get all hyped up, only to find it just tastes weird still, and /or hurts to eat more than a couple of mouthfuls makes my nutritional shakes a very easy option if I'm honest.

It's quite easy to satisfy any cravings with just 1 bite of something especially if that one bite just reminds you it doesn't taste like the taste you were craving any more 🤮

I am back at Addenbrookes this Wednesday for my 6 week post treatment review. So I'm pleased (but not) to be getting that over with. Another fight probably to get them to postpone my next PET scan until after my colonoscopy in April. 🫤 so we can really get a light up free scan hopefully if it hasn't spread.

Apart from that I'm trying to rest as much as possible as next week I'm going home 🤸🤸 to see some friendly faces, and get some much needed hugs from people who actually mean it, and care about me still, which will be lovely 🥰

I know the hardest part is over, hopefully, and I have to keep reminding myself of that when I feel totally lost and dark; but I also know this is all far from over.

Well it will never be actually over now I get that! But over for the immediate future, there is always going to be that next scan, that next appointment, that next hold your breath for weeks waiting to see if you get given the get out of jail free card or a ticket straight back to oncology, do not pass go do not collect £200 😞

I'm hoping by August I have seen everyone who wants to tell me if I'm dying or not, all the scans are over for at least 6-12 months and finally I'm in the clear long enough to do what I was about to do before all this started last July..... Leave.. and never come back...

..