63. The come down.

Well yesterday was the first post I'd written for a couple of weeks as I had been on a bit of a high since going back for my 6 week review and being 'free' to visit some friends last week.

Its been so weird as I have no medical appointments on my calendar, and although I know I have to sort out the colonoscopy pretty soonish, even that was arranged for at least another 5 weeks before it got cancelled last week.

Basically since last July I have been 'in between appointments' or recovering from things being done to me, or having treatment.

Now there's nothing!

I'm sort of feeling like you do in that week between xmas and new year, the dreaded crimbo limbo!

I suppose because I made such great recovery progress in the first few weeks I'm also physically confused, in that I feel like most of everything is working OK and they seem to think the radiotherapy has worked and there's no sign of anything still being there, so I should be 'better', but I still feel terrible about 60% of the time. :(

I'm not really in pain, like I was after surgeries or during treatment with my throat etc, but everything feels off, exhausted, or on the brink of acting weird.

I quite often feel like by the end of the day especially if I have eaten food that's been a bit of a challenge, that my swallow might not work when I need it to. I can't say I haven't gone to sleep thinking 'what if I wake up in the morning and I can't eat?' its almost as though I'm scared that my body recovered a bit too quickly and it was just fooling me and suddenly everything is going to cave in on itself and I'm going to be .... buggered... basically :(

I keep telling myself its just the trauma of everything and my endless pessimism which has become a life long survival strategy unfortunately.

But this week, although I realise probably extra tired from my visiting Kent last week, has found me tired, thinking dark thoughts and fighting to stay positive.

The fact once you reach this stage you are basically left drifting in left overs of your cancer diagnosis and treatment, with no constant hospital visits to ask questions or be told everything is perfectly normal, its quite disconcerting. But like with everything, and even coping with my other illness's over the years you just have to take one week/day at a time and think it might all be/feel very different tomorrow.

The re shuffle of the Kabin and de cluttering of all my craft stuff is working to take my mind off things and as long as I limit myself to a couple of hours up there and don't lift anything, sitting on the floor deciding which balls of wool I want to keep and which books I'm ever likely to need for reference has been quite relaxing.

Lottie has been sticking to me like glue since last week, 4 days away is the longest she hasn't seen me and she's had to be at home not knowing where I was, so now I can't even go to the next room without her at me feet looking up asking' where are going now?'

The weather has turned quite windy and chilly over night so I don't think we will be able to get anything done outside at the weekend like we'd sort of planned but I'm looking forward to spending a couple of days doing something towards decluttering the garage or tidying the garden.

Its Mothers Day on Sunday and this will be the second non mothers day for me, although really she'd been gone for about 10 already, and only 3 weeks tomorrow is Easter.

The year is almost a 3rd through already, unbelievable!

I have promised Paul meatloaf this weekend and the sauce I do with it is always something I have to make by taste on the day, so that could end up being very interesting, although bless him he's getting used to me shoving spoonful's of stuff at him and demanding if it tastes 'normal' cos I'm just guessing. The gravy with roast beef last weekend was a complete disaster as I put some red wine in it that had obviously been sat on the side too long, so what I thought was my abnormal tangy taste, was in fact abnormal and we had to remake gravy at the last minute when he confirmed 'no it does actually taste weird' LOL

I hope my taste recovers for that reason, I miss/will miss the cooking, and not being able to taste the food properly makes cooking weird and stressful that i might be serving up something that tastes totally off and disgusting.

Luckily its just us, but I know my hosting days are over if my tastebuds don't stop giving me funky feedback like they do now.

I can't say it will bother us often but on the rare occasion we had guests I knew they could always rely on eating well, sadly that something cancer might have robbed me of.

Along with a few other things ......................