70. Back to Hospital

Hard to believe only a week ago we were just leaving the port at Naxos after spending a lovely but short visit with Deb and Carl, on our way back to Santorini and the hotel and final few days of our holiday. It seems a world and lifetime away now which is so strange as the 5 weeks leading up to going just flew by. Luckily for me, and sort of planned, and more hoped for, the trip was a reasonably quiet one, in fact when we arrived at our hotel complex on the first day we were the ONLY people their that day and night until the planes started arriving on the Sunday. Even then compared to how it would have been later in the season ( pulls face at the thought) there were decidedly fewer guests than staff. Which meant I could actually manage to eat in the restaurant without freaking out and thinking everyone was watching me eating, ( a life long phobia not just since the cancer has ruined my swallow and taste),the ferry to Naxos was very un full and almost Marie Celeste like on the way home, we were the only ones on the top deck better priced seats coming back. We did a small tour of Santorini, just us and a guide called John, and he managed to take us to all the best places to see, avoiding the crowds and any packed streets or squares, and a monastery which was obviously my sort of place, completely calm and silent and peaceful. I'm definitely thinking I should have been a nun after all. The flight home was amazing, the small airport had about 30 people in it and when we got on the plane we realised that there were 4 people in front 3rd of the plane in business class, us being 2 of them. It was like being a pop star. The other couple, the lady was painfully thin and frail and had 'dying of cancer' written all over her bless her heart. Probably not a lot different in age but obviously in stage of disease and I offered her my pillow when she moved and put the arm rests up on a row of three seats to lay down during the flight, and basically tailed her down the steps when we landed, her husband in front of her, and me behind slightly to the side to stop any impatient passengers pushing past as she slowly made her way down to the tarmac. I couldn't help but thinking as we took the short trip on the little bus to the arrivals doors, that that could be me next year, and I felt happy to have enjoyed this holiday looking and acting as normal as I could without anyone being any the wiser unless I chose to inform them. Back home we waded through what seemed like far more washing and ironing than the clothes we'd actually worn on holiday, and collected Lottie who was pleased to be home but not so much it made us feel guilty for leaving in Ella's care for the past 9 days.

Today came the start of the next batch of cancer related 'nasty', in the form of the pre procedure telephone call from the hospital for my colonoscopy on the 19th May. The nurse was very nice, and when going through my notes was more than sympathetic as to everything I've been through over the past 6 months, and declared me all ready to proceed by the end of the telephone call, and instructed me to 'do the prep' as required. I won't go into too much detail but involves drinking the liquid equivalent of dyno rod the day before, eating nothing for nearly 36 hours and sitting on the loo a lot. Apparently she's had one and said you don't know anything about any of it, they give you stuff in the back of your hand and the next thing you wake up and don't even know whats gone on. I have to say everyone is very positive about the whole thing, all the dr's, consultants, friends and hubby all seem to be going with the 'polyp' theory on this one, but sadly my gut feeling says different, especially as months ago when neck lump was still whispering to me in dark hours of the night and lone car journeys, I had actually always suspected some sort of colon cancer. So this for me is more concerning than the neck biopsies. I almost feel the whole neck thing has been a side order served up to throw them off the scent of the true problem and the added time and general non urgency of their prognosis will come and literally bite me in the arse. I'm still very tired and feel like I've been stuffed in a barrel and rolled down a hill from the head and neck cancer treatment if I'm honest, and I really don't think/know if something needs to be done further than this procedure, if I even have it in me, let alone want to bother.

Maybe its a bit of post holiday blues, but all I seem to see looking into the future, is a never ending rollercoaster of cancer appointments for somewhere in my body and I haven't even seen anyone about the heart aneurysm thing yet! I almost think it would probably be better to never go and find anything out and just live in ignorance and drop dead on a random Thursday. But the most positive thing I can write today is I achieved something I thought I would never do and I wore a bikini on holiday, the first time in 50 yrs in the open, I don't think anyone had the displeasure of having to witness it, apart form Paul, as it was by our little private splash pool surrounded by walls on a patio outside our room, but in true bucket list determination, the rolls of flab complete with stretch marks were out and saw the sun. They say you shouldn't worry what other people think and most of the time they aren't even noticing you, but for years my social phobia and anxiety have stopped me doing the most ordinary of things day to day, so to throw caution and my one piece cozzy to the wind and wear a bikini was the equivalent of jumping into a snake pit for me. But at least I can fall asleep and the hands of the bum Dr in a couple of weeks and dream I'm back on my sunbed in Santorini wearing my black bikini with my spare tyres flopping over the top, and for a few more days until the results have those happy thoughts to cling to before, ( sorry), the shit potentially hits the fan!