72. Sliding Doors

I finally went for my colonoscopy yesterday after my Pet Scan last year showed there was signs of cancer in my lower bowel when the area showed focal uptake ( it lit up like cancer cells do) .

 I call it 'sliding doors moments' Have you ever seen the film with Gwyneth Paltrow where she either missed or doesn't miss the train and the film follows 2 very different versions of her life after.... for me the 'cancer days' are sliding doors days.. You sit there, powerless as to the news, and when you walk out the door you so innocently walked thru, you are walking out to 2 very different lives ahead depending on whether it is...or it isn't....

One set of tests, one sentence from a stranger sat in a chair opposite you, who doesn't know you, doesn't know your life, your home, your pets, your family, the people you love, the plans you wanted to still make, the mistakes you wanted to fix, the new memories you hoped you'd have time to create, all depends on these few moments, and they give you this new future, with that one sentence.... I am trying to not do it, but I'm sitting here thinking how very different things would be today if my 'bum Dr' had finished my colonoscopy and said I haven't been able to remove anything because you're going to have to come back and have more intense surgery cos there definitely something there. But she didn't she smiled and knowingly said the words,' you haven't got anything to worry about'

But for me yesterdays 'sliding doors' moment was the happy version, where you walk out smiling, and booking holidays and thinking you might see another xmas, another calendar on the wall with next years number on it.... you might outlive your dog..... but I've sat there, alone, and had the other version, and that makes yesterday so so amazing... I haven't got colon cancer. Today it feels like the stomach full of rocks I've been walking round carrying for over 2 years has left my body, flushed away with the entire contents of my digestive system on Monday in preparation for yesterday. Today is the first day in over 2 years I haven't at the back of my mind thought 'you're going to die, but you mustn't tell anyone you think that'. Today I can smile and mean it.