85. Just another year.

It was our wedding anniversary on 29th August. We didn't celebrate.

Not much to find in 22 years to hash over, apart from the sheer longitude of it tbh.

I got flowers, from my mother in law, the following day, and neither of us really felt the need to mention the fact that we had let it slip past majority of the day, until like the elephant in the room I wished him a Happy Anniversary about an hour before we went to bed. This year has been far to dramatic to be worrying about minor things like another year of managing to not either kill one another in their sleep or one of us just go off out for a hair cut and never be seen again. I feel totally different about life now. Its hard to define how realising your own mortality is so fragile, almost standing so close you can taste and smell your own death, never ending sleep being within reach of an outstretched hand makes you totally not care about the little things much anymore.

They say to some people things become more important, everything matters, little things you took for granted suddenly pop into your vision forefront and centre, but for me, honestly, all its done it make not give a f*k about anything at all really. I've spent my life, my whole life, losing and giving, the latter to mainly all the wrong people. Now I genuinely don't care about anything anymore. I realise that's probably going to end badly for lots of people, and for me it will feel liberating yet I would imagine uncomfortable. But I've done the most frightening things over the past year, on my own, and people have been ok to let me.

So now, they can all be ok with me doing what I want to do, hopefully lots of them good and fun, also on my own.

Another holiday looms large on the horizon for September and I can't wait to be warm and swim in blue water, and breathe sea air again. Healing from this last year, all the medical stuff, the emotions that went with it, and still trying to find myself, the new person its made me, and adapt to eating, sleeping, living, resting enough, not allowing myself to be expected to do stuff I used to do, and not feel guilty about it, have all been a huge and hard journey. But its been over a year since all of this started, and I made it, I'm still making it! Not everyone made it here to be with me, and I'm fine with that, and I'm sure there are still more to fall by the wayside in the weeks and months to come. They call it a journey, and I realise, mines a solo one way ticket.