18. Sometimes when you lose, you win!

We drove over to Peterborough and tried to keep the chat off the subject of why were going, as both of us knew apart from Mr Amen having the pleasure of staring at my raw throat there wasn't going to be much to look forward to today. When we arrived I took a Thank You card to the nurses station for Kirsty, and was chatting to her, about what had ended up happening and how much better I looked than when she'd seen me last, which basically I could have been run over by a truck and would probably have looked better but hey it was nice to be told I looked human again.

Just then I heard a 'Hello are you busy shall I come back?.

I looked to my left and there he was, as if by magic, Mr Amen. 'No, not at all I'm waiting for you' I laughed I said I better get Paul who had gone and was waiting in the 'good coffee' waiting area, and we trotted off behind Mr Amen to his room. He gestured to the seat next to him not the exam chair, and smiled. 'Are we still friends?'

I laughed and replied ' Of course we are why wouldn't we be?'

We discussed the drama of the week before and he said the second cauterisation should have been fine, it had almost closed itself by the time they actually did the surgery, and asked would it be ok to have a look.

I moved to the examination chair and he got his wooden spatulas and had a quick look confirming it was looking totally fine which was good news, and without pausing he then said ' and the other good news is that we found your cancer in the left tonsil, we have got your primary'. I looked round over my shoulder as I felt the fat tears spill out of my eyes and run heavily down both cheeks, he was still talking I don't remember the words but it was reassuring me that it was a good thing, Paul was also saying 'It's OK she's happy! That's what she wanted to hear' and as I asked for a tissue I just tried to smile and raised thumbs up. It had all been worth it, not just the last 2 weeks, not just the pain of the tonsillectomy and the drama of the bleeding out, the fear being in that taxi in the dark with a stranger not knowing if I would start bleeding again and choke, but knowing I'd taken the risk, said no, not let them treat me as a number, not let them frighten me with the threat of sending me back to where had sent me and do nothing to get me to agree to what they wanted, not let them bully me and coerce me with the word cancer and the fear it carries on someone else's tongue, when they are talking about it being inside of your body. The fact it was where it was, and now it was gone, and the only part left was the lump, I was crying because I'd been strong enough to fight for the now, and brave enough to fight for what this would leave me with for a future.

Never has anyone been so happy to be told they had found cancer.

Now I could get treatment, and at last see the light at the end of the tunnel after nearly a year. Mr Amen said he was referring me to Addenbrookes for radiotherapy, he had already discussed me at the multi disciplinary meetings there, and told them I didn't want chemo because of my tinnitus, I didn't want a peg feeding tube as I had enough weight to lose, and all I had to do was get my teeth assessed for radiation treatment and get my mask made. We left the appointment dazed and energised that I had got good news today, so soon, so un expected.. But all I could hear was that familiar little voice

<<< but you hate the dentist >>> and I knew my lump was going to make the next few weeks as difficult as it could, it wasn't going down without one last fight, and scare me just a few times more before the radio waves silenced it forever. I had 8 days until the the dental assessment and every minute I knew I'd be dreading that more than anything I'd gone through so far.