57. February arrives at last.

Its been a long month since Christmas and new year, January is always a bit gloomy even under normal circumstances post Xmas but this year was probably the worst ever.

Last August, I saw an advert for a night time concert in Ely cathedral, playing the themes of famous cinema, not even knowing what was to come I booked 2 tickets and convinced myself it was something I wouldn't forget or just conveniently find excuses for not going by the time it came round.

Since then, obviously my world has been .... 🤔... slightly different to the norm.

At the onset of treatment I set myself the goal to be well enough to go. Whatever I was feeling, eating, doing, I needed to pull myself through the other side of whatever enough to go sit on a hard chair, in a freezing cathedral and listen to the fukking James Bond theme tune.

So on Friday night, Lottie safely shipped off to Aunty Ella to spend an enjoyable break from us boring parents , I got up, I got dressed, I put on makeup, I styled my hair for the first time in nearly 8 weeks, and at 8 pm we went to Ely.

The walk up hill from the car park to the cathedral, nearly killed me, I didn't realise how weak I was tbh, and the fact it was pouring with rain didn't help. Poor Paul had to almost drag me the last part.

But once inside and seated, tucked away at the very front of the left transept I was happy I'd battled the hills and the rain and achieved what I saw as being the first success in getting better after my treatment.

The music was amazing, as the ceiling and walls of the cathedral lit up with lights and the music echoed round it just seemed the perfect place to finally breathe out for a while and know for a few precious weeks now, there won't be anymore hospital waiting rooms, no more medical sounds or smells, and it was time to fill my head with beautiful things for a while whilst I try to get better and calm my mind from all that's happened.

Saturday found me still asleep gone mid day mind you, and I realise the process of recovery is going to be slower than I thought energy/stamina wise,😒 but the pain is decreasing steadily and everyday I try to be more pro active with getting different foods back on the table as it were, although tiny amounts of some foods seem to set off the discomfort again, and others that don't have a reaction seem to go mostly untasted and therefore a couple of mouthfuls is about all I can be bothered to manage.

I'm not complaining though as I do have a lot of my taste back, and I know I should be very very grateful for that, as some people wait ages/indefinitely to get where I am now at only 3 weeks.

Everyone kept telling me whilst I was in the middle of living it, 'oooo it will be over before you know it', and looking back at posts on my facebook page, and reading these blogs posts, yes it feels like it was ages ago and it didn't last long. But when you are in the middle of treatment, counting the days you've done and how many there are to go, and feeling parts of you slipping away day on day, not even knowing if they will return, when they will return, and if you will ever be the same again after, those 6 weeks of your life are the longest, most frightening times.

All you can do is hope, hope you make it through the treatment, hope nothing suddenly goes wrong, like you just stop being able to swallow, hope your skin doesn't burn so badly your neck becomes a weeping and bloody mess on the outside as well as the inside, hope that the cancer is dying, hope it hadn't already sent off cells to camp out in your stomach and lungs before your treatment even started so all this pain, all this fear will be for nothing anyway. Hope that if you get through to the end, that gradually the parts of you that went away will return, sometime. 😢

Its all about 'hope', man's greatest strength and biggest weakness.

I hope in another 4 weeks when I go back and sit on those hard hospital chairs, in a place that has no beauty about it, I hope I'm as back to 'me' as I possibly can be, I want to have to face them again strong, undamaged, not broken .., I want to sit there proud, defiant, and just by looking at me they know they and their cancer haven't won. Not with me! Not today!