86. Back from holiday, hospitals again 😒

well we got back on Thursday from our last holiday of this year. sadly i have to say another week in the sun didn't have similar effect as the last. Apart from feeling an actual earthquake ( 4.4 according to the news) the whole holiday was a little...flat. The villa however was superb, and the swimming pool was the one redeeming feature of the whole holiday. The roads in Kefalonia are mountainous and dangerous, so we always tried to get back before sunset, which as we weren't getting to sleep until late, and I was making the most of the lay in's without having to get up and see to the dog like at home, it left little time to do much between being ready to leave and needing to come back again before it got too dark. Eating out was a total disaster, even more so than Naxos. the 3 meals we attempted 1 i didn't even try, the second I picked sadly at the fries and longed for a Fortisip milkshake to just get some calories and vitamins, and the only half decent one was only really made so as i went prepared with a handbag full of sachets of mayonnaise to make the dry grilled meat they seem to live on out there actually swallowable. I could tell by the end of the holiday my constant unhappy face and snappiness from being hungry and not being able to eat anything apart from raw sugar and carb food, was wearing a little thin with Paul. So sadly the best part of the holiday for me was being able to come home. What tremendous waste of energy and of course cash at the end of the day. I actually was pleased to be home, and for the first time since living here felt happy to be within the walls of this house, and happy with my home. I can't decide if that a turning point in the acceptance of living here finally or if being away was just so awful anything familiar seems wonderful in comparison 😢 I'm super tired, but pushed to cook a piece of beef I had in the bottom of the freezer so i could at last eat a proper dinner, ( well attempt to) with some gravy and vegetables. The coming week is very hectic with a mammogram, trip for oncology check up at Addenbrookes, counselling, and my fortnightly luxury treat of having my nails done. Today I just feel like sleeping on the sofa, and the pile of clothes waiting to be sorted from the holiday has been left another day I'm afraid, even the thought of lifting, hanging or folding items having to move my arms that much seems a gigantean amount of effort to undertake at the moment, let alone consider actually ironing any of it. The weather here is surprisingly still very warm and sunny but I know soon the nights will start drawing in and the quilt will be stuffed back into duvet covers instead of making do with just a double layer of cotton during the night, the log burner will start looking like a marvellous investment again and no doubt it will become increasingly grey and drizzly. Although wintery weather gives me the perfect excuse to not wander far from the sofa or my craft cabin, crochet project in one hand and a mug of cappuccino in the other for a few months. Of course then there's Christmas! The last 2 have been pretty horrible, and we haven't had a 'normal' one here yet. Mum dying 6 days before in 2024, and last year being week 4 of radiotherapy, basically Christmas's in the house couldn't actually get lot more miserable. But hopefully this year we can make it a bit more festive and at least I can try to enjoy some of the food which last year was totally off limits and taste. After this next week of having to be places I plan to get a few Christmas projects finished I have up in the cabin that have sat waiting for me to be 'in the mood' and do some serious festive planning. Anything to take my mind off cancer appointments and the ticking clock that is day by day moving me out of that 'first year danger re occurrence zone' 🫣 My neck/throat seem to have plateaued the last couple of months, and some days its still quite scary and the thoughts of 'will this get worse still, or will it ever start getting better' creep into my head constantly. The constant worry I will wake up and start feeling a lump in my neck again, will my tooth suddenly crack and break into pieces on some random Thursday eating a biscuit, will i move my head wrong and the tightened neck muscle that side go into spasm and cause not only pain but immense fear for the rest of the day until sleep relaxes it and I can forget again when I wake the next day until next time. All this is part of why I didn't want to find out I had cancer until it was too late, so it wasn't about choice and decisions it was just too late. Now I will be afraid everyday, for the rest of my life, until finally I can be at peace knowing I'm definitely going to die so why worry. Like I've said before, I will now always be patient 27, in between appointments, always waiting.